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30 November 2010 @ 02:13 pm
So... I don't do the holiday wishlist meme. Because, by November the last 4 years, what I want is (1) oxygen, (2) warmth, (3) a brain made out of neurons and glia instead of cotton wool, (4) flu resistance, #5-10 "spoons, more spoons, etc".

And of course I'm in No State to fulfill anyone else's wishes, so I'd be a Failure And A Leech to ask for things anyway. (Yes, I know how screwed up that is intellectually, but somehow that doesn't help.)

But. I'm going to ask for something today. I'd really like some reassurance/encouragement, you guys.

I just need to last out another 6 days to see the doctor, and I've been holding onto that by fingernails. But I'm feeling the failure today. I haven't written anything (fiction or non) for months now. the drawing I'm working on is working, but visible progress is so damn slow. I should have finished the dissertation by now (ha, by 5 years ago), and the novel in my head is annoyed with me for not having gotten it out of the way already. I haven't subbed anything to a pro market most of the year, because I haven't been able to write anything without the social pressure of a request all year. I've been wanting to do another ST poem analysis, but just have had no brain.
There are dishes to do, there's the yoga that makes neck pain bearable but exacerbates the chest pain, there's all the holiday planning I'm hiding from, there's still, gods, boxes like we just moved in and didn't do so in february...

And the last 3+ doctors have failed me; why would this one be different?

So, yeah, I can't even guarantee I'll reply, today, but I'm asking for encouragement/good thoughts anyway.

(also if you'd like to see more of the seekrit drawing project, let me know? Responses picked me right back up & kept me going, last time, but posting bits has felt stupid and self-indulgent these last few days.)

ETA: Will try to respond to very specific stuff here but General spoon-saving response here. Did as new post for people who don't see the ETA.
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Current Mood: saddisheartened
30 November 2010 @ 03:41 pm
No spoons for individual responses to all comments on previous post, but:

1) Thank you!
2) I am feeling more motivated to do s'more on the drawing & will post some today
3) I do always go to doctors with elsmi, and they do take him seriously, they're just... dismissive as soon as I open my mouth. You'd think this would teach me to stfu by now.
4) <3
Current Mood: apatheticbetter?
30 November 2010 @ 07:59 pm

This detail work symbolizes the complex metaphysical relations between creatures of clockwork and those of flesh; we seem separate, while being part of a complex whole. In the details of our interactions (so much like those with the Snake people) we may sometimes miss the infinite Compassion of that Greatest Mechanism; it is when we can see the larger pattern that it comes clear.

Now of course, every culture has different tales about how such different creatures came to walk the same earth. We all know those of the Mughals, and many know those of the Southern lands, but if you have others to share I would love to hear them.
Current Mood: tiredtired